


I'm only seventeen, I don't know anything but I know I missed you

by myyueliang



Series: soon it gets better [2]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, High School, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Non-Linear Narrative, References to Depression, Slow Burn, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-29
Updated: 2020-12-29
Packaged: 2021-03-10 23:26:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,739
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28395348
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/myyueliang/pseuds/myyueliang
Summary: There were a few unspoken rules in the Lee family, and with Taeyong’s… incident they had only changed for the worse. The main unspoken rule of the Lee family however, was still the very same.Everything was okay.(In which Jeno learns to deal with his bullshit).
Relationships: Lee Jeno/Na Jaemin, Lee Taeyong/Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul | Ten, Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Series: soon it gets better [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2025019
Comments: 18
Kudos: 86





	I'm only seventeen, I don't know anything but I know I missed you

**Author's Note:**

> Title from Betty by Taylor Swift
> 
> This is part of a series but could be read as a stand-alone, although I recommend reading the first part first!

It all started with a phone call. 

And it ended with Jaemin storming away from their usual spot in tears. 

_“I know you’re upset, and I don’t want to be a bad friend. But please, stop projecting your hurt onto me.” ___

__(Funnily enough, those words were almost verbatim to what his brother always told him)._ _

__-x-_ _

__He was lonely._ _

__His lock screen had been glaringly empty, without a single notification._ _

__He didn’t know how to fix his friendship with Jaemin, he didn’t know where to start. All he knew was that he regretted every word, and that it _hurt _to even think about their argument.___ _

____He sleepily sat up, hand reading for his textbooks and some lines paper, as he began writing his notes once again. His mother used to force him and Mark to sit at the dining table until they were done with everything. She wasn’t there anymore, just the thoughts in his head and his inferiority complex forcing him to keep going._ _ _ _

____He was so fucking tired, but that was all he knew to do. He would be less tired in a few hours, but he’ll always be the stupidest Lee if he didn’t power through that tiredness, and study._ _ _ _

____-x-_ _ _ _

____Jeno truly hated counsellors, especially whatever counsellors his mother had chosen herself. The lady sitting across the room smiled brightly, awkwardly shuffling her papers._ _ _ _

____“So Jeno, why are you here?”_ _ _ _

____Jeno glanced around at the pristine room more suited for hospitals than for therapy. “Because my mother said to be here.”_ _ _ _

____“But why did you come?”_ _ _ _

____Jeno stared at the lady in disbelief. “Because my mother told me to.”_ _ _ _

____She had threatened all of them for a good half and hour to show up to the sessions she had booked for them. And after Jisung’s session (or lack thereof), she yelled at him for a total of five minutes before storming off to her study while uttering passive-aggressive statements once in a while._ _ _ _

____Jeno made a note not to completely dismiss therapy like Jisung, but the second he entered the brightly lit room, greeted by a lady who smiled way too much for her own good, he wished he had just skipped. He flopped down on the couch and started playing Bandori without any respect for the lady that his mother paid to talk to him._ _ _ _

____What even was the use of talking, talking didn’t solve your problems (And talking certainly didn’t stop anyone from killing themselves in their dorm room)._ _ _ _

____The lady uncrossed her legs and shifted in her seat, “I read your file, and it seems like you and your brother’s lack of cooperation stems from the death of your older brother, Lee Taeyong, is that correct?”_ _ _ _

____Jeno glanced away from his game of Bandori for a moment. That comment managed to hit just about every nerve. He looked back to his phone screen and restarted the song. It was oddly therapeutic to disregard whatever the lady has to say while tapping tiny little circles in tune to a fictional j-pop group’s song._ _ _ _

____“It would only benefit you to talk, Jeno-yah.”_ _ _ _

____“It’d benefit me only if I wanted to be here in the first place.”_ _ _ _

____“Oh?” The lady seemed to have perked up at his callous statement. “So you didn’t want to be here? So why is it that you came?”_ _ _ _

____Therapists had the tendency to hear one thing, and grab a hold of it until the thread unravels entirely. He always hated that._ _ _ _

____“My mother told me to.”_ _ _ _

____This wasn’t going to work out. He didn’t need some nosy lady telling him what he already knew. That he was depressed, and emotionally constipated, and full boatloads of unnecessary childhood trauma._ _ _ _

____To the lady’s benefit she did not falter as she leaned in and asked once again, “I know your mother told you to come, but I’m asking why is it that you did come. If you really didn’t want to come, you wouldn’t have listened to your mother.”_ _ _ _

____She had her hair dyed a light shade of brown, and her glasses were wire-framed and sitting atop her head. Her face was kind of blurry and he didn’t care enough to try to squint to make out the details of her face. But from what he could tell, she looked more like an idol than some stupid boy’s therapist._ _ _ _

____He frowned, “Because I don’t care enough to not come.” _And I care enough about not getting screamed at for an hour straight by my mother. _____ _ _

______“I see.” The lady smiled, “Therapy doesn’t have to start with talking about anything too personal, you know? Therapy can start off with something as simple as a conversation about anything you want. Build trust first. And then when you’re ready, you can talk about whatever problems you have, and we can try to work through them together.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“You’re earning an awful lot of money for just talking,” Muttered Jeno bluntly as he looked through a gacha’s drop rate. Maybe he should spend money on this game just for the re-zero collab. He yawned tiredly as he clicked back to song selection._ _ _ _ _ _

______“I’m not doing this job for money. If I wanted money, I would be a brain surgeon. I certainly had the grades for it.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“What are you doing it for then? You think talking to someone will stop them from slitting their own wrists?”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Sometimes that’s all someone needs, Jeno-yah. Someone to talk to for even a few minutes. Someone that cares enough to listen for just a little bit.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______Jeno shut his phone off, finally looking at her straight in the eyes, “Do you think my brother would have not overdosed in a shitty campus dorm if I just talked to him? Do you think I could stop my suicidal asshole of a brother from anything if I just talked to him?”_ _ _ _ _ _

______(Who was he kidding. Taeyong wouldn’t have cared for him, not enough to stay on this god-forsaken planet any longer than he already had. But he could’ve tried harder. Talked to his brother more. Been less of a burden. Took better care of himself_ _ _ _ _ _

______He pushed the regret and guilt aside, just as he usually did with feelings he didn’t want to be confronted with)._ _ _ _ _ _

______“I’m not saying that. I’m saying that for my patients, some of them do make it through life despite everything they’ve had to go through, and they didn’t do it by themselves.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Yeah. And some die.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______He was aware how cruel his words sounded, but he was seventeen, and stupid. He didn’t know how else to react._ _ _ _ _ _

______The lady shrugged, “Some die. There’s nothing I can do about it but mourn their deaths and try my best with all my other clients. And that’s what I’ll do, my best to make sure that you’ll live a better life regardless of whatever happens. Because I care about you and your wellbeing.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______She sounded most unaffected by the death’s of her patients, but her tone said otherwise. There was some emotion in there, and even someone as dense as Jeno could figure that part out (The Lee family had never been good with emotion. Especially not anyone else’s, not when they could barely confront their own feelings)._ _ _ _ _ _

______“You don’t even know me.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“I don’t have to. You’re a bright person despite the way you try to hide behind your words, and anyone who’s tried hard enough can see that.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______Jeno snorted, that was pure bullshit. “Do you say that to every client?”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“If I didn’t think so, I wouldn’t have said it.” The lady fixed him with a determined stare, “I think you’re worth something, Jeno.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______Jeno didn’t believe her in the slightest, but for once it felt nice to be complimented for something so simple. He shoved his phone in his pocket, “Want to hear about the actions programmed into each animatronic in five nights at Freddy's?”_ _ _ _ _ _

______The lady, Jeno made a note to remember her name for the next time, smiled, “Of course. But you’re going to have to tell me what five nights at Freddy’s is first though.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______-x-_ _ _ _ _ _

______There was a bloody razor in the bathroom drawer._ _ _ _ _ _

______Jeno looked at it for a moment, his brain bringing him back to all those times where it was him holding the razor. It wasn’t his, he had been clean for a few months. And even if he wasn’t, it wouldn’t have been his._ _ _ _ _ _

______(He had mastered the art of screwdriver meets pencil sharpener in eight grade, hiding his shit habit in plain sight. He had thought of it as a hilarious joke, and in retrospect, it wasn’t that funny)._ _ _ _ _ _

______There were a few unspoken rules in the Lee family, and with Taeyong’s… incident they had only changed for the worse. The main unspoken rule of the Lee family however, was still the very same._ _ _ _ _ _

______Everything was okay._ _ _ _ _ _

______He slammed the drawer shut, staring at Jisung’s room helplessly. There was nothing he could do, to tell the truth, he didn’t know what to do. Taeyong’s passing had hit him so much harder than anyone else. The only thing keeping him afloat was numbness and denial._ _ _ _ _ _

______He sighed, opening the drawer again, and quietly shoving the razor in his pocket to dispose elsewhere later._ _ _ _ _ _

______He couldn’t stop Jisung, but he could inconvenience him enough to hope that he’ll eventually stop. This hadn’t been what Taeyong meant or intended when he made Jeno make such a stupid promise, but it was all he could do._ _ _ _ _ _

______Everything was okay._ _ _ _ _ _

_______Everything was okay. ____ _ _ _ _ _

________-x-_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“So tell me about your friends, Jeno,” The lady, Choi Sooyoung was her name. She looked at him from her seat. “What are they like?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Against all odds, he had found himself back into the uncomfortable office of some lady who kept trying to pry into his head (Maybe he was just lonely, and maybe it was nice to have some stranger listen to you without any visible judgement)._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________He came back the next week, and then the next._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________And here he was again, his phone shoved in his pocket, staring up at the ceiling tiles of this insufferably stuffy room. It was a nice break from the world, and Sooyoung kept forcing lollipops into his hand (When was the last time he even ate?)_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________When she first mentioned friends, his first thought was Jaemin. Jaemin, who was Mark’s friend to begin with. Jaemin, who he became close with because neither of them were part of Mark’s main circle._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Jaemin who he hasn’t been talking to since that night._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________(Jaemin, who he loved so much that sometimes it hurt to even think about)._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________He didn’t want to think about that part, instead he chose to omit the truth (Partially second nature to him, a skill often acquired from growing up as part of _the _Lee family. Along with perks such as childhood trauma, and inability to express yourself properly).___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“They’re more Mark’s friends than mine. They put up with me, but I don’t think they even like me,” Jeno laughed bitterly before admitting quietly, “I feel lonely when I’m with them.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________He couldn’t mention Jaemin, he didn’t want to talk about Jaemin with anyone, not when the subject was a pandora’s box of emotions. Hurt, regret, anger, and-_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“So why do you still hang out with them?” Asked Sooyoung kindly._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________He didn’t hesitate to answer, “I don’t want to be alone. Besides, I don’t hang out with them much anyway. I’m just kind of there occasionally.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“So what do you do with your free time?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Study. Decompile video games for fun. Send Mark the occasional computer virus.” He snorted thinking of all the times Mark screamed at him over text for the harmless viruses he gave Mark over the years._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________(He couldn’t remember the last time he touched his computer software, too focused on trying to claw his way into being good enough)._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“What’s your relationship with Mark like?” Asked Sooyoung._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“He’s my twin. He’s good at everything without even having to work for anything. He has a girlfriend, they’ve been dating for the past few years, and to be honest, I know for sure that he doesn’t care about her.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“You’re rather observant, aren’t you?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“I have nothing better to do than dissect computer AI and humans. Makes me hate myself less when I see other people fuck up colossally.” This was the most honest he had been throughout the entire session._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Sooyoung stared at him with wide eyes, wordlessly prompting him to elaborate. He had brought his glasses this time, so he could see Sooyoung’s face clearly._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Mark doesn’t love her. She’s been in love with him since they were kids. He’s such a golden boy, but he’s a fucking coward. Makes me feel better in some way.” Jeno paused for a moment, recollecting his thoughts, “But I don’t know what I’d do in the same situation. It’s easy to scream at a movie character or book character for morally challenging situations, but I’d be just as lost if I were in their places.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Situations? Like when they miscommunicate? Or like something akin to the trolley problem?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________He nodded, “Both, I guess. Like if the main character makes out with her best friend’s crush. It’s so easy telling them to just tell the truth, when in reality I don’t even think I’d be brave enough.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“I think you would be.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“And I think the amount of money my mother pays you doesn’t pay enough for you to lie about my moral compass. I’m a pretty shitty person. I react to everything with anger. When they told me Taeyong died, I was so fucking mad, that’s a fucked up reaction to have to your brother’s suicide.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________He was lying again, he omitted the truth so often, it felt like second nature to him. It was still lying though._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“I think I’m the reason he killed himself,” Confessed Jeno suddenly. He stared emptily at the white walls around him. He had always thought a moment like this would encompass the feeling of the walls closing in, but it just felt normal._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Sooyoung looked at him with sadness, reaching a hand over gently, “Oh honey, it wasn’t your fault. He-“_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Would’ve killed himself regardless? Maybe he would’ve. But I could’ve prolonged it by a day, at least. It was my fault.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________He lied so often about himself, he lied so often that half the time he couldn’t understand his own feelings because he was so convincing at times. It was second nature to the point where his own feelings confused him, and he had a hard time telling whether his thoughts were valid._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Sometimes there was a tiny voice in the back of his head telling him he was just lying to himself to seem more edgy._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________He knew he had a hard time telling the truth when it really mattered, had a hard time saying things that he needed to get off his chest._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“I was just the final fucking nail on the coffin of things that failed Taeyong.” He shrugged as nonchalantly as he could before he smiled, “Did you know that the legality of cannibalism no longer has a loophole to exploit? Hospitals no longer let you keep your amputated limbs. So that tumblr posts about eating your amputated limb? No longer valid.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________-x-_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Hey, you’ve reached my voicemail. Don’t leave a message, just text me or something.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Jeno hung up before the dial could even sound._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________-x-_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________He looked up at the bakery sign. This had been his brother’s favourite place and he hadn’t even set foot in there once. Jisung had given him a strange look when he asked about it, before he muttered, “I’ll send you the location. He likes the strawberry cake there. It’s his favourite.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________That had been the most words he’d ever heard Jisung said since the incident._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________He needed a break from studying, and he didn’t know why he’d try to retrace his brother’s life instead of ordering milk tea at the cafe he and Jeno went to as usual (Once again, a new level of pathetic that he didn’t even know he could reach)._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________He stepped into the building, wincing as the sweet smell hit him. Taeyong had been the only one in their family with a sweet tooth. There wasn’t a line, and there was only one person working on a table in the corner._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________It looked like a place that his brother would’ve liked. It was calming, and quiet. If he closed his eyes, he could see his brother in the corner, smiling serenely as the workers pretended they weren’t staring at him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________He had always been the pretty one, thought Jeno bitterly._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________He sat down and as he did, a girl was by his side almost immediately._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________He didn’t need to look at the little menu by the table. He had already read it on the subway ride there. He didn’t even need to know what his brother’s order was, the second he saw the images on the menu he just knew._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“One strawberry cake please.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________The waitress beamed at him. “In a moment.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________She came back a few seconds later, a cake fresh from the display case, placing it down in front of him gently. “You know, we had a regular who ordered one every other weekend. You look like him.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Jeno pursed his lips, “Lee Taeyong?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Yeah! Him!”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“My brother.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“He hasn’t been around lately, we miss him! Here, I’ll go grab another one for you to take to him, on the house-”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“He’s dead,” Replied Jeno flatly. His hand reached for his fork, gripping it like it was his lifeline. He wished Jaemin was here._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Her eyes widened, “Oh my god. What happened?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Jeno stared at her, and in complete deadpan, he said, “He killed himself.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________If it didn’t hurt so goddamn much to say, he would’ve laughed at the look of shock filtering across her face. Death was such a taboo of a subject, and the shock was fun for a moment, before it reshaped into pity._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“I’m so sorry, I-”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Don’t be. Being sorry won’t bring him back from the dead.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________She didn’t flinch, “I’m so sorry for your loss, he was a great person. He was kind.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Jeno stabbed the cake with more force than necessary, “I know.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________She stared at him for a few moments, before excusing herself and hurrying behind the counter. He could hear their whispering, two girls feeling a pang in their chest for a boy that they barely knew._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________He had no prior experience to death before this. And he wasn’t sure how quite to feel, or what to say. It was a sudden feeling of emptiness, of shock. He hadn’t ever thought about a future where Taeyong died so soon. It was regret that he couldn’t have done anything, it was the cold feeling washing over him as he thought of the conversations they once had. It was avoiding even touching his room, opening the boxes that Johnny had brought from his dorm, only to put it back into his room. It was paying for a phone bill just to hear his goddamn voicemail (A new level of pathetic, even for him)._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________The chair in front of him moved, and he looked up to see Ten._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Ten looked so tired, and yet he smiled kindly, “Didn’t expect to see you here, Jeno-yah.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Didn’t know you were back for the weekend. It was his favourite place. Thought I’d see what kept him living for slightly longer,” Said Jeno flatly._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Ah. It’s too sweet for me, to be honest, I don’t see the appeal.” Ten waved the girl over, “My usual please, Sorn!”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________He took a bite. Ten was right. It was awfully sweet, exactly like something his brother would like. He forced himself to take another bite. It wasn’t bad. Just an overload of sugar._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________It didn’t taste that bad though, possibly because it was the only thing he’s eaten in a day and a half._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________If he had to guess, Ten was here for the very same reason as him. If he had to guess, this was Ten’s way of mourning as much as it was his. Ten had known Taeyong since they were five. Their mother didn’t care about their friendship, not until she found out just how prominent his parents were. That was one of the friendships she actively encouraged, along with Johnny Seo, son of some famous lawyers, and Kim Doyoung, son of some famous singer, and CEO. All friendships built on genuine feelings, it just so happened that everyone Taeyong kept in his close circle was so genetically well off._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________(He was the lucky one, and if he wasn’t dead so soon, he probably would’ve won the lottery or something in the decent future)._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Sorn smiled at him, “Right away!”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Ten looked back at him, “Have you even been sleeping? You look like you’ve been working yourself into half death. Has school been hard lately? Have you even been eating on a regular basis?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Jesus shit. What are you, my mom?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Your mom doesn’t care about your destructive cycles so long as you get good grades,” Snapped Ten. He smiled tiredly at Sorn as she passed him a cup of coffee, and a danish. “Have you been taking your iron pills?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Ten was over at their house often, back when they were all still children. It wasn’t uncommon to hear the two of them bickering over tiny things. Even as children, they acted like an old married couple._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________(He didn’t believe in love, but the way the two of them looked at each other proved him wrong. True love did exist, and only for his brother and the boy that he looked at with stars in his eyes)._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Jeno scowled, “No.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“You’re still self-destructive as usual, aren’t you?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“I’m not self destructive.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________He wasn’t self destructive. He just forgets to eat sometimes, he just forgets to sleep sometimes. He pushed away his only friend (Was it right to call Jaemin his friend?) Because he was a shitty person, and Jaemin deserved better. He wasn’t self destructive, self hate was a common thing, and a perk of living with a mentally ill mother and an absent father._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________He wasn’t self destructive._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Whatever helps you sleep at night, Jeno.” Ten sipped his coffee idly. “Yongie worried about you quite a lot, you know.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Please, the only one he gave a shit about was Jisung.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Just because he didn’t react in the ways that you wanted doesn’t mean he loves you any less. But whatever, I don’t want or feel the need to convince you otherwise, Jeno. Just take some goddamn facts as the truth instead of being an edgelord all the time.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Fuck off, Ten.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Ten didn’t seem to really care, he had been around for so long that he just simply brushed off Jeno’s snide remarks. Ten was more observant than anyone gave him credit for, hiding behind his tendency to move on between things so quickly, almost like he’d lose himself if he didn’t._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________He’d been around long enough that he was like a fourth brother. While Taeyong constantly doted on Jisung, Ten flitted in and out of their household being there for them when Taeyong couldn’t._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________In a way, they were both mourning._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________To be honest, he thought Ten was the one who was the most hurt by everything, even though he didn’t show it. Even after that night, Ten had showed up at their house with a sad smile, and helped the two of them deal with everything in the way his brother would’ve wanted._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“I told you to call me if you need anything,” Reprimanded Ten lightly._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“I didn’t have anything I needed. Besides, you’re busy.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Ten smiled, “I can make time, you know. I’m not going to disappear from your lives so easily. How’s Jaemin?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“He’s fine.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________(He hasn’t talked to Jaemin since the incident. He didn’t know what to say, so he just avoided his phone, and waited until Jaemin gave up.)_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“God, you shut down so easily in conversations, it’s practically impossible to have a conversation with you without any deflecting or just straight up shutting down.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“I swear you’re a psychology major.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Ten laughed, “I’m not. But Jeno, take my advice, love isn’t as scary as it seems. You guys should sort whatever you have before it's too late.” Ten looked away, muttering bitterly, “Or if they off themselves without telling you jackshit.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Don’t project onto us, shitbag.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“You guys remind me of us, to the point where it’s painful. The only difference is that neither of you are stupid enough to chase after ideas of love with other people. That was a few years wasted of my life.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Jeno didn’t tell him that they were not alike in the slightest. Whereas Ten and Taeyong’s relationship was built on the foundation of pure adoration and admiration for each other, theirs was built off of loneliness (All the worst friendships were)._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Jeno snorted, “I don’t need to hear the lecture. This is only slightly less annoying to listen to than the time you lectured me about porn.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“It was educational! I just feel like if you’re going to do it, you might as well do it properly without going off into the deep end like I did. I was just covering a few points sex ed failed to teach-”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Please do not start again.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Fine. Don’t listen to the old geezer trying to give you advice.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“You’re not even that old.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Ten sighed, “When you force yourself to grow up, you’re eternally stuck between stages. Old geezer, and five year old child. And not to mention a confused teenager.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Jeno neglected to point out that he wasn’t the one who forced himself to grow up too fast, it was his parents. And it was the fact he fell in love with someone who had too many burdens (And because he chose to try to take some of Taeyong’s burdens for himself). The world had failed him before he had failed the world._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________(And yet people still believe in god, thought Jeno bitterly. What kind of god exists when genuinely kind people like Ten wind up with such a shit hand?)_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Are you seriously going to go off on a tangent about your bad life choices? Can’t you just be like any normal person who saw someone they knew in public?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Ten looked at him curiously, “And that is?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Avoid all eye contact and leave?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“No fun in that. Want to hear some more bad decisions on my part? So when I was sixteen, Hansol had this super toxic ex, and at the time I didn’t realize just how toxic they were. This bitch and I had a super on and off friendship, and I was over it. So I decided the best way I could’ve ended our friendship was to make out with the ex.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Jeno stared at him, “Taeyong mentioned that once, yes.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“They told all their friends about it, and kept referring to me as a bet that they won. Felt like shit. A few weeks later, I come to find out that despite the fact their relationship was on and off, they met each other’s fucking parents.” Ten was looking out the window while scowling in disgust. “I didn’t know that he actually liked her! He never fucking talked about it, so I assumed he didn’t think too much of it”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Is there a point here,” Deadpanned Jeno, stuffing the last of his cake into his mouth._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“God no. I just saw them on instagram, and remembered that I was an asshole. So if you ever feel like making out with someone who uses their BPD as an excuse for their toxic behaviour, call me.” Ten paused for a moment, “Actually no, there is a point. Don’t hurt your friends like this. It’s much harder to tell someone who trusted you that you made out with the first person and only person they ever dated than it is to tell them you no longer want to be their friend.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Noted,” Said Jeno as he filed the advice in a special category in his mind he liked to call ‘Things you’ll never need in life ever again’._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Ten downed the rest of his drink, and picked up his danish. “I’ll be going now, I have dinner to attend. Johnny’s grandmother is cooking, and I have never been more prepared to eat my weight’s worth in food. Call me sometime, Jeno. Update me on Jisungie or something.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Will do.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Ten rambled a lot. His brother was the quieter one of the two, and more often than not, he would see Taeyong stared at his friend in pure adoration while he talked. It was a gross sight, but he never would’ve thought that the day would come where he wished he could see it again._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Ten gave him one more last smile, it seemed sadder than usual. He had the look on his face, like he was wondering if it was okay to reach for a goodbye hug._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Bye,” Said Jeno flatly. He had been holding most of his emotions in for long enough, he didn’t need it to burst right in front of Ten. Not when he had his own shit to deal with. Ten took the hint and left._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________-x-_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________The clock said it was six in the morning._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________He didn’t know when he fell asleep, but he didn’t care. He didn’t need to know how many minutes of his time he wasted to be disappointed in himself._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________He peeled his face away from the page that he had fallen asleep on, and wiped at his eye corners. He didn’t have time for this._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________-x-_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________Eight grade, underneath the school’s cherry tree, and surrounded by all of Mark’s friends. He was spacing out and staring at the school entrance when Jaemin walked out._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________Jaemin saw him and smiled brightly, waving before heading towards his group. Jeno couldn’t remember what they were talking about, or any detail._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________It was spring, and the branches casted a silhouette over Jaemin’s face. And in front of everyone, he had leaned his head on Jaemin’s shoulder while he read his notes over and over again._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________Jaemin’s hair wasn’t pink at the time, but a nice shade of brown._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________They were whispering about the two of them. Eighth graders who watched too many animes and saw them as two in-real-life anime boys to ship, not two confused boys trying to figure themselves out._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________(Funny how they found you cute when you fitted their aesthetic, but found it gross when you break out of the boxes of stereotypes, when you genuinely love them. When you were actually gay, and not two fictional characters that would be so cute together, but disgusting, and immoral if they actually date)._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________At the moment, he didn’t care._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________Real life was harder to keep track of, there wasn’t any storyline to follow, and chapters to look back on with astounding accuracy. He couldn’t pinpoint the exact moment that he realized he liked Jaemin, but if he had to guess, it would be that moment._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________Springtime, and surrounded by a group of people he didn’t even like that much. And Jaemin, who gently patted his head as he leaned on his shoulder. ____ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________-x-_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Let’s talk about your parents,” Said Sooyoung, during one of their sessions. She pulled out her clipboard. “I take it from your answers in our first appointment that you and your mother don’t exactly see eye to eye on things, but you follow her instructions nonetheless.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“My mom over parented us as kids, and as we grew up, she started micromanaging her job to cope with her issues with my father. She’s obsessive as shit too. They used to argue all the time, and Taeyong always took Jisung out to ice cream when they did.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________He didn’t mention that he and Mark huddled in the closet and tried not to cry as their parents screamed the most hurtful things back and forth at each other. Always wishing Taeyong had taken the two of them too. He never did. It was like Peter Pan only came for one kid, leaving the rest of them to rot in an ordinary world._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“My dad was just never there in the first place. I used to think of him as the coolest person, and I looked up to him. The older I get, the more I realize that all he does is try to buy our affection with money. Pretend if he buys enough shit, it’ll make up for the fact he never loved us.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“You’re very honest and straightforward about this.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“The hurt stops after a while. I’m not that eight year old staring at the TV screen and wishing some random actors playing the parent’s roles were how my parents acted. I’m over it.” Admitted Jeno flatly, “I’m one major drug problem away from being that Nichols lady from orange is the new black.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“You don’t sound like you’re over it. You sound like a hurt kid trying to be tough.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Fuck off.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“There goes your defence mechanism.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Jeno scowled, “I’m not here to talk about how mommy and daddy never loved me, and that it fucking hurts sometimes to know that your only parental figure was your older brother, except he’s fucking dead.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Then what are you here to talk about, Jeno?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“My sadness over the tragic fucking passing of my brother. I can talk about how much I miss him for the rest of the hour if it satiates you,” Snapped Jeno sarcastically. “Except no one fucking cares. He’s fucking dead. Six feet under, and with a hell load of Tylenol in his system, and one fucked liver.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Ugly words from an ugly child._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“You’re lashing out again,” Reprimanded Sooyoung gently. “We don’t have to talk about this if it upsets you.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“You know what upsets me? Is that no movie or book could’ve ever prepared me for how much it fucking hurts.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________He swallows before forcing the rest of the words out of his mouth, “Does it ever stop hurting?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Sooyoung smiled sadly, “It varies from person to person, but I can say that it won’t hurt as much with time. It’ll become a dull pain eventually.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“He wrote in his letter that we’ll be sad for a few months before we all move on eventually. The one time he’s wrong, and he’s too dead for me to even gloat about it.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________When he looked back up at Sooyoung, she was still looking at him with that sad little smile of hers. He scowled back._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________(The pity was rather comforting, it was nice to have someone care about him)._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________-x-_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________He slammed his phone down in annoyance when he saw the caller ID. Taeyong was calling again, no doubt to inquire about his favourite brother._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________He swiped angrily at his puffy eyes, grabbing a tissue to blow out his nose quickly. Taeyong couldn’t see the sorry state he was in, but he still quickly fixed his hair nonetheless._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________It was another two rings before he picked it back up and swiped to answer, “I’m studying. What do you want.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________His brother sighed in relief, “You picked up, Jeno-yah.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________“Jisung’s still a social recluse, yes he’s eating three meals a day, and he’s passing school with flying colours. No he hasn’t danced again, and no I haven’t mentioned it to him,” Snapped Jeno. “And Mark’s Mark. He’s fine.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________“I wasn’t calling about that.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________There was something off about his brother’s tone. They had this conversation every few weeks, and every time, Taeyong would say that same thing. That he wasn’t calling to inquire about the brother he actually liked._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________Jeno didn’t care, he could be hurt about it for all he fucking cared. He just wanted to curl up in a ball and cry (and to tell the truth, he just wanted one goddamn person in his life to hug him, and tell him that he’ll be okay)._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________“Fine. What do you want?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________“Is it so bad that I just wanted to talk to you?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________“We both know you really just want to talk to Jisung, but feel like he’s too codependent already. And you hate how much Mark reminds you of yourself, so I’m your second choice.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________Taeyong, despite the way the public viewed him, was mentally fucked, and had tendencies to break down after he made sure Jisung fell asleep already._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________People forgot he was a human before he was the perfect, flawless son of Lee Wooyoung and Bae Jia. Jeno knew that from the midnight conversations his brother had with Ten on the rooftops, neither of them realizing that they sat right next to Jeno’s window, and he heard their secrets loud and clear._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________He had confessed once that Mark was so alike to him that it was hard to like him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________“Jeno that’s not the case.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________“Never is the case. We can make awkward small talk for another few minutes if you’d like, before you excuse yourself with a white lie.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________“You sound congested. Have you been crying?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________Jeno sniffled. “Fuck no. Why the hell would I be crying for?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________“Forget I even asked,” Taeyong sighed. “How have you been?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________(Of course Taeyong wouldn’t even push him for an answer. He was never concerned enough to double check anything.)_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________“I’ve been fine.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________“Anything happen?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________“Mom flew to some corporate meeting in Japan a week ago. Dad’s cheating on her with his secretary, he left his computer open again.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________“He’s cheating again?” Taeyong didn’t even try to act surprised. “The Japanese one, right? The one twenty years his junior?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________“Not again. Himiko went back to Japan a few months ago. New girl this time, I think. Unless he’s flying to Japan just for her.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________Taeyong hummed, “And Sungie-“_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________“Doesn’t know. But Yongie, you realize that he doesn’t care about anything right? Even if he found out, he wouldn’t care. It wasn’t like mom and dad were there in his childhood like they were in ours.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________Neither of them mentioned how Taeyong was forced to take their place, despite being fourteen and just as young and immature as the rest of them._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________“If anything happens to me-“_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________This question had been a regular occurrence. He had written it off as Taeyong being over-paranoid (Mistake number three hundred and seventy two, and yet another reason he was a failure)._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________Jeno laughed bitterly, “I’d love to promise you that I would look out for Jisung for you, but I can’t. I told you, he doesn’t even like me.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________“Would you at least try?” Once again, his brother’s tone was off. Maybe that was what compelled him to agree._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________Jeno sighed, “I will.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________He could hear his brother smile. “How are your friends, Jeno-yah?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________Diverting the topic as to pretend like he didn’t call for Jisung, and solely Jisung. Jeno didn’t even care anymore, he was used to being in his brother’s shadows, and the fact that Jisung was younger and already overtaking him in terms of skill and talent was a fact he had already made peace with._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________“They’re more Mark’s friends than mine. And they’re doing fine.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________“And Jaemin?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________They both knew Jaemin wasn’t just a friend._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________“He’s fine.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________“That’s good. Anything new?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________“No,” Jeno scowled, “Is the small talk over? I have a test to cry over.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________“I won’t keep you, Jeno-yah. We’ve talked for long enough already.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________Jeno scoffed, “Next time you can just text me for Jisung updates, you know? Because god knows that’s the only reason you ever call me for.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________“I’m sorry you feel as if I only prioritize Jisung. I-”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________“You do only prioritize him. Don’t even act like you don’t. You’re always gong on and on about how much you care for him, and just how proud of him you are. Always and only him.” Anger creeped in his chest, and all the ugly things, and bitter feelings towards his brother crept into his brain. He didn’t have the energy for this shit. So many underlying issues they never addressed._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________“I’m proud of you too, you know that-”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________He didn’t mean that. The words he needed to hear felt more like a participation award, meaningless and made so that everyone would feel included. He didn’t want to hear Taeyong say it, not like this._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________“Whatever.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________His brother sighed, before murmuring quietly, “I love you, Jeno-yah.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________He scoffed once again before hanging up without so much of a goodbye. “No you don’t.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________-x-_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________He scowled at the test results that blatantly announced to the world that once again, Jeno Lee was and will always be second place._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________He automatically glanced at Jaemin, who quickly averted his gaze. Jeno winced, and pretended the hurt that he felt was just even more disappointment. Disappointment in the fact he was a fucking failure._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________-x-_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________It was another hour spent in Sooyoung’s room, when he finally spoke up._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________“I think I miss him.” It was like the dam of emotional constipation had finally burst, and he finally said what his brain had been refusing to acknowledge, hiding pain behind anger and disappointment like he usually did. “I miss my brother so much.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________The day they received the news, he had forced himself to stay calm and collected for the sake of Jisung. Jisung who was only fifteen, and too young to be staring blankly at the dining table as the world slowly collapsed around him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________He had cried afterwards, when he passed Jisung’s room only to see him staring at the walls with empty eyes._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________He didn’t have time to process any of it. A day later, his parents flew home, and both he and Mark dressed up to greet them at the airport. He spent an afternoon listening to his mother go through all seven stages of grief, and then spent the rest of it listening to his mother lecture him about taking over her position._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________The next day was a press conference, as they stood behind their dad while he talked bullshit about how much he loved his eldest son._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________Jaemin had snuck out to meet him afterwards, in the middle of a cafe with two crappy French vanillas between the two of them._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________And Jeno, Jeno was stupid and hurt. He did the only thing he was good at, and Jaemin left in tears. He stared at his empty cup blankly as it felt like the final piece of his world collapsed._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________He was alone._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________By the next week, people had stopped the pity, and started whispering about the reasons why Taeyong, the golden boy, would ever inhale an entire bottle of painkillers._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________He ignored them all as he walked down the halls. Jaemin would’ve been by his side, glaring the world down as if it would stop the painful rumours and all that talk about his brother. But he wasn’t, because that night, Jeno had driven him away for good._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________People moved on. People always moved on._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________The earth still rotated, and the sun still shined. He was still walking through the motions of life like he was okay, like there wasn’t an empty hole in his life in the place of one of the most selfless people he had ever met._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________And then the funeral. A royal shitshow that was caused by the people that loved Taeyong the most, the ones that refused to hear eulogy after eulogy about what a perfect person he was, and just how unexpected and shocking his death had been._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________Ten was the first, openly admitting that he loved Taeyong more than he loved himself. His mother had gasped, and whispered furiously to her husband, before they dragged Ten out of the funeral with blazing eyes and matching scowls. Ten looked pained as he left, unable to even pay proper respect to the boy he loved the most in the world._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________(Jeno found him at Taeyong’s grave a week later, a cup of coffee in his hand, and a cake box on his brother’s grave. He was crying, knees curled up to his chest and crying. He blinked back tears and left, returning to his books and pretending that he never saw anything._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________He didn’t have to be a genius to know how in love they were. He didn’t know whether it hurt me more for him or for Ten, he couldn’t even imagine losing the boy you’ve loved for so long._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________The next time he saw Ten at his brother’s grave, he sat down beside him and the two of them sat in silence as Ten played Taeyong’s favourite playlist out loud.)_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________Jeno got tired of people telling him about how wonderful his brother was, finally snapping at some random person that it was expectations like this, placed by people like him that had killed his brother, not the bottle of drugs that he forced himself to take because life was painful to the point that death was no longer scary._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________He had come to find out later that the random person had been incredibly important in his father’s campaign, but he didn’t even care at that point. He didn’t want to be in that room full of people who held his brother to the same godly standards, even in death._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________Taeyong wasn’t perfect. He was selfless, and kind, but he wasn’t perfect. He was a total hypocrite, and he was very biased. He was a beyond flawed person who lacked empathy at times._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________And people never realized that, because they saw a brilliant prodigy before they could ever see a broken and hurt child._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________Sooyoung leaned forward and patted him lightly, nothing but kindness in her eyes, “It’s okay to cry, Jeno.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________“I don’t know how Ten and Mark even cope so well because I can’t think about it ever, and I just-” His voice broke. “I don’t know what to do. I keep thinking over and over again that I’ll be okay, that I’ll be happy where I am, but all the other times, all I can think of is that Mark is so much better than I’ll ever be.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________“You’re not Mark. You’re Jeno. You don’t have to be Mark to be someone perfectly imperfect,” Reminded Sooyoung gently, “Everyone copes with loss differently.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________“I couldn’t do anything for him. I just watched him fucking suffer for years and I just never thought- I never thought he’d kill himself.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________“It wasn’t your fault.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________“But I couldn’t- I didn’t even lift a fucking finger to help him. I just stayed in my room and tried to act like everything was fucking okay. That was the goddamn problem.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________“You can’t blame yourself for that. You can’t keep feeling guilty over something like that.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________“I hurt my best friend too,” Admitted Jeno, he had nothing to hide anymore. “Jaemin. He was my best friend. He tried to comfort me, and I ended up hurting him. I’m a selfish asshole who never thinks about the consequences of my actions, and I want to change, but it’s too fucking late. I can lie to myself and say that I’m okay with it, that it’s okay that I drove Jaemin away because he deserved better anyways, and that it’s okay that my brother died because he never even loved me in the way that I needed.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________He slumped in his seat, “But I can’t.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________Sooyoung looked at him for a moment before she spoke, “You’re seventeen, Jeno. You made mistakes that any teenager would. You’re a kid, you’re allowed to make mistakes.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________“But-“_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________“I’m proud of you, Jeno. I know I’m not the person you need to hear this from, but I’m proud of the progress you’ve made.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________“Can I- Can I hug you?” Blurted Jeno, and as he felt her arms wrap around him, he cried. It felt so nice to be held for once._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________He couldn’t remember the last time an adult in his life had hugged him (He couldn’t even remember the last time his parents hugged him). It felt so much nicer than he remembered._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________-x-_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“Are you okay?” Asked Jaemin the second he sat down. Jaemin pushed a cup of French vanilla towards him. It was lukewarm. They were at Jaemin’s favourite place, a cafe overrun with plants, with fake vines hanging from the ceiling and coffee that was overpriced but delicious. A place the two of them referred to as the garden._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Jeno laughed bitterly, “My brother’s fucking dead, and I had to deal with the aftermath. And Jisung? He just gets away with staring at the ceiling blankly, he’s so selfish sometimes.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Jaemin took a sip of his drink._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Jeno took out an envelope. “The last damn things that he wanted to say to me. I want to fucking rip it to shreds, whatever that absolute asshole wanted to say to me is fucking worthless.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Jaemin pulled the envelope away from him with little protest. He hasn’t said anything, all he did was listen._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________His wrist was practically only bones, noted Jeno with sadness. Just another reminder that no one that he knew was really okay._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“He left everything to Jisung,” Said Jeno bitterly. “Of course he did. As if it wasn’t painfully obvious enough that he only fucking loved Jisung. It’s bullshit that we have to say kind things about someone when they’re dead. You know that he used to only ever go to Jisung’s dance recitals, and never any tennis games that Mark and I had? Or swim meets?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“He still loved you.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Jeno laughed once again, “Not enough.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________The words felt like venom burning through his throat and dripping down his chin as he spat it out. But the burn was the only thing separating him from the flood of hurt and just pure grief and sadness. He didn’t know what else to do._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Jaemin looked pained, “Please don’t be cruel. You love your brother so goddamn much, you don’t want to say something you’ll regret.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Jaemin’s hands were playing with an empty box of excel mints. His one fidget toy was also the one thing that helped fuel his denial._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Jeno wanted to slap it out of his hands._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“I’m not going to regret saying that he was a fucking flawed person who treated Mark and I like a burden.” Anger flowed through his body as he remembered all the times he stared longingly at Jisung as he got absolutely everything he’s ever wanted._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________(Jisung wasn’t even the worst part, there was Mark, and his effortlessly perfect life. If even Mark couldn’t get jackshit from Taeyong, then he was forever stuck in the shadows, desperately hoping to hear just four or five words from the person he looked up to all his life)._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“Insulting him isn’t going to do anything.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______________It’s the only thing keeping me from breaking down. ____ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“Fuck you, what the fuck do you even know about death? You barely knew your goddamn dad when he died. And he didn’t fucking kill himself because the whole world, including you, failed him.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“Don’t take your hurt out on me.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“I’m not fucking hurt,” Snapped Jeno. “I’m fine.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“No you’re not.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“Neither are you,” Jeno pointed at the coffee in Jaemin’s hands. “You’re going to stick your fingers down your throat and force yourself to barf that up in roughly twenty minutes. There’s a new box of breath mints in your pockets.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________Jaemin flinched, he didn’t fight back though, “You’re upset, let’s-“_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“No fucking shit I’m upset. I don’t even want to talk about my fucking feelings.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“We don’t have to-“_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“What the fuck are you so passive for?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“I don’t want to fight you, Jaemin.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“You never want to fight anyone. That’s why people take advantage of you so fucking often. You’re so fucking non confrontational that you just let your mother forget about you for her new family. Because your only damn coping skill is shutting up.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“And yours is lashing out,” Shot Jaemin as calmly as he could. “I want to be a good friend but you’re making it really hard.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“That’s not my goddamn problem.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“Jeno please-“_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“Fuck off. Go throw your coffee back up and cry in the mirror. I don’t fucking care anymore.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________Low blow, and cruel. But he’s going to be damned if someone he loved ended up in the goddamn hospital again because of untreated mental illness. A two in one insult, he could both hurt Jaemin, and force him to face the fact that he wants exactly in an okay state of mind to give him any advice._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________(But in that moment, all he cared about was hurting him as much as he could, the other part just followed)._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________Jaemin wiped at his eyes furiously before he stood up. “Text me when you get your head out of your ass. I know you’re grieving but you can’t treat me like an emotional punching bag.” He pulled out Taeyong’s last letter and slid it across the table. “I know you’re upset, and I don’t want to be a bad friend. But please, stop projecting your hurt onto me.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“Fuck you.” ____ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________________-x-_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________________Jeno looked away from a boring passage about Darwinism and texted Jaemin a simple. “We need to talk.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________________As soon as it was sent, he threw his phone onto his bed. It wasn’t like he slept there anyway._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________________Jaemin replied an hour later, at six in the morning precisely. He would like to proudly say that he didn’t dash straight to his phone._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________________(Instead he waited for a few minutes before sprinting to read the message)._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________________-x-_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________________He looked up as Jisung peeked into his room, a blank look on his face. Jisung had started sneaking out of the house at more and more unholy hours of the night, and each time, he made a point in looking in at Jeno’s room._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________________Maybe he was retracing Taeyong’s life just as Jeno did._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________________“Do you need any cash?” Asked Jeno quietly, careful not to awaken Mark. Sound echoed between their rooms, and only their rooms. The rest of the house was as soundproof as one of the world’s top recording studios._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________________Jisung shook his head. It looked like he wanted to say something, but he didn’t. He just pulled down his sleeve quickly before waving goodbye. He would be back in a few hours, and they would repeat the same routine._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________________This wasn’t what Taeyong intended when he made him promise to take care of Jisung, but it was all he could really do._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________________-x-_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________________“I’m sorry,” He blurted at the second that Jaemin sat down. He pushed a cup of French vanilla towards him. “I used the thing you’re the most ashamed of against you, and I said things no person should ever say to another. I don’t know what to say or do to make up for it, but I hope you know that I’m so fucking sorry.” He paused before he admitted quietly, “And that I missed my best friend.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________________He had repeated the things he so desperately needed to say over and over instead of doing as many review questions on differential equations that the internet had to offer. He wrote out a speech on cue cards, but bright pink cue cards should be the last thing to be seen when you’re apologizing for such a big fuck up._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________________The last part that he had added on was different though. He hadn’t meant to say that out loud, not in the slightest._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________________“I don’t blame you,” Said Jaemin. “You were going to snap anyways and I’m glad it was me-“_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________________“What the fuck. No. You can’t just act like what I did was okay. I was incredibly upset, but that wasn’t any reason to be cruel to you. It’s not fucking okay, Jaemin.” Jeno paused before stuttering out, “And for what it’s worth, I think you’re enough already, and it hurts to see you waste away like that.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________________“Thank you.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________________“I’m sorry, I was hurt and I just-”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________________Jaemin smiled serenely, “I’ll punch you if it makes you feel any better.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________________“Face or arm?” Asked Jeno without hesitation. “Stomach works too. But if you’re going face, I’d rather be slapped.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________________Jaemin pulled his arm back and swung without any intention of holding back. Jeno clutched at his arm. It fucking hurt (Except Jeno would bet anything that it hurt a lot more for Jaemin than it did for him)._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________________“That’s for calling me non confrontational, you prick.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________________“That’s the one part you’re offended over?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________________“No I’m fucking pissed about the… other comments. But I don’t really care as much about them as I should. I’d be more pissed if you did that while you were in a stable state of mind, but you weren’t. Not that it excuses jackshit, of course.” Jaemin took a sip of his coffee, “But you know me, apologies don’t actually mean shit unless you can back it up.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________________“I’ll try my best.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________________Jaemin smiled, this time it was a kinder smile. It wasn’t like he was no longer pissed, and that everything would be back to normal. But he was willing to try, and that was all Jeno really needed._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________________It felt a little like forgiveness._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________________-x-_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________________He sat by Taeyong’s grave with his notes spread out. He didn’t have anything to really say, nothing that would really matter now. He didn’t know how Ten always managed to sit and talk for so long._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________________Mark occasionally visited too, and he would ramble on and on about the most mundane of things while placing a singular lily on his grave._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________________Mark liked visiting at night, even as a kid, he always liked the stars._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________________Jisung never stopped by, never even acknowledged it. He was never good at coping, simply because life never gave him a situation where he had to deal with his own issues. And now, for the first time, he had something to deal with, and he didn’t know what to do._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________________“I failed you, hyung,” Said Jeno out loud. “I said I’d take care of him, but I don’t know what to do. He shuts down completely, and aside from his walks, all he does is study.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________________Jeno put his pen down and faced the headstone. “God, I wish you were still here.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________________If he closed his eyes hard enough, he could imagine his brother sitting next to him, at least fifteen centimetres away because they never had that close of a relationship._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________________But even that would be enough right now. It didn’t matter how close they were, all that would really matter is that he would be alive once again. And he would wake up to his calls every few weeks, and for once, he would try to talk to his goddamn brother without envy or bitterness._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________________Instead he just said, “Jaemin and I are talking again. I still feel so lonely sometimes, even when I’m supposed to be happy. Ten says I shouldn’t repeat you guys’ mistakes, but we’re different people, it might just work out for the two of us, you know? And I’m happy without labeling anything. Jaemin says that humans feel the innate need to label anything and everything, because we desperately need to understand everything._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________________“He’s not wrong though. Icarus is a prime example of humanity. We’ll burn ourselves just to find an answer, or for our own selfish purposes. I once read this poem, and it was all about how icarus laughed as he fell. That he had been happy to die.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________________Jeno frowned, “You would’ve loved that poem. You always like the sappy shit.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________________Taeyong had loved the twits, by Roald Dahl, simply for one quote, and one quote only._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________If a person has ugly thoughts, it begins to show on the face. And when that person has ugly thoughts every day, every week, every year, the face gets uglier and uglier until it gets so ugly you can hardly bear to look at it._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________A person who has good thoughts cannot ever be ugly. You can have a wonky nose and a crooked mouth and a double chin and stick-out teeth, but if you have good thoughts they will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look lovely. ____ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________________(Personally he could never understand why someone as beautiful as his brother cared about a quote so centered on looks, but looking back, there was a lot he failed to understand about his brother._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________________And personally, he liked Charlie and the chocolate factory. But it was only for the nostalgia that brought him back to sitting on the carpet of his second grade classroom, listening while their teacher read the book to them, and not for some profound quote)._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________________Once he started talking, he just kept going. He wasn’t sure who he was talking for anymore, for his brother who was long gone, or for that lonely kid who needed so desperately to say a few things aloud._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________________“That’s not the point though. The point is that I think I’m doing okay. I called Ten last night too, and I know he misses you. Johnny misses you too. We all do. But I guess if you’re happy up there, then you’re happy.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________________Jeno stopped talking for a moment, only to burst out laughing. “Funny how the longest conversation we’ve had is at your grave. That day, I wished I stayed on the line a little longer. Maybe then I won’t be blaming myself so much for your death. I got so mad at you for being a crappy brother, when you were trying your best._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________________“And for what it’s worth, I wasn’t the best brother either.” Jeno laughed quietly to himself once again. “Too late for any of this, I know. In another world, maybe.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________________In another world, he wouldn’t be sitting by his brother’s grave, rambling like a mad man. He wouldn’t be deluding himself into thinking that his brother heard him just for a sense of comfort._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________________“I love you too, hyung.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________________He turned around as he heard approaching footsteps, smiling at Jaemin as he held up a plastic bag full of goodies from some random convenience store._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________________“I’m going now. I’ll be back in a few weeks,” He blinked back tears as he was reminded just how sad of a placeholder this was. Instead of an incessant phone call to answer, it was guilt and sadness guiding him to a piece of carved rock._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________________He stuffed his notes into his bag, and kept up, running towards Jaemin and lightly pecking him on the cheek before intertwining their hands like it was second nature (He smiled to himself as he realized it didn’t feel quite as bony as before. It was slow progress, but he was happy to even see progress)._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________________“Hey.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________________Jaemin smiled back at him, “Hey.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________________-x-_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________________Jisung walked past once again, looking in just as Jeno raised his head from his books. It was four in the morning and Jisung had returned from whatever adventures he decided to go on._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________________“Was it raining?” Asked Jeno finally._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________________“Caterpillar rain,” Replied Jisung without any context of what he meant. He lit up a little as he said those words, almost like it was an inside joke. That’s when Jeno realized, Jisung didn’t look as lonely as he did before._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________________“Dry your hair before you sleep,” Said Jeno as he squashed down a proud smile._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________________For the first time in a long time, Jisung smiled, it was a small smile, but he hadn’t seen that smile in such a long time. “Good night.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________________-x-_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________________He opened Taeyong’s letter one more time, before a piece of paper he had never really noticed before fell out. He must have missed it the first time he read his brother’s final words to him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________________He must have written it separately from everything else, thought Jeno._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________________He rushed to pick it up from the ground, noting his brother’s hand writing. His brother had been the only one to absorb something from the korean calligraphy lessons their mom forced them to take as children._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________________Jeno choked out a sob when he read the words._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________You’ve grown, Jeno-yah. And for what it’s worth, I wasn’t lying when I said that I’m so proud of you. ____ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________________-x-_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

**Author's Note:**

> [twitter](http://twitter.com/myyueliang)
> 
> Little end notes:
> 
> Compared to Jisung, Jeno is a much more reliable narrator, and more focused on other people. He's also better at dealing with his bullshit. 
> 
> I'm sorry it's not very romance focused, I didn't know how to include everything I wanted to without confusing anyone, and the aspect I had to sacrifice was majority of the romance part.
> 
> There's a word in chinese for when it's raining a little, and it sounds just like caterpillar rain. My sister and I used to call it caterpillar rain when we translated it to english, and you can guess where Jisung heard that term from. 
> 
> As for the therapists part. I took things that came from my therapist and a few psych ward trips and used it. So congrats, you found legit advice. 
> 
> Drink water kids, and remember, only homophobes skip meals!


End file.
